


Incident Report

by GayDemonicDisaster (scrapheapchallenge)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale is "just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing" (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Bad at Being an Angel (Good Omens), Aziraphale is Not Innocent (Good Omens), Aziraphale is So Done (Good Omens), Aziraphale is a Little Shit (Good Omens), Comedy, Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley is a Tease (Good Omens), M/M, No Actual Sex Just Referenced, No beta we fall like Crowley, Reference to hemipenes, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-05
Updated: 2020-06-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24561571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scrapheapchallenge/pseuds/GayDemonicDisaster
Summary: I saw a meme that said"I don't 'write' my characters, I just watch them do stupid shit and write up the incident report."Which inspired me to do this - How would Aziraphale sum up the events leading up to and after Armageddon in his report to head office? Well... here's how:
Relationships: Aziraphale & Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Comments: 163
Kudos: 391
Collections: Crack Fic Comedy Porn





	Incident Report

_ Incident Reports.  _

**_Fucking_ ** _ Incident Reports. _

Aziraphale thought he’d finished with them when Heaven had washed their hands of him, but he’d received a memo reminding him that his end of month reports were overdue and he should file his paperwork as soon as possible.    
  
He wasn’t sure if this was just a case of some random heavenly admin not getting the message that Aziraphale was persona non grata, or if the bastards really were that obnoxious that they’d demand he keep working for them after they’d tried to kill him. 

Well, they could  _ have  _ their damned incident report then…

* * *

**Angel:** Principality Aziraphale, guardian of the Eastern Gate **(** ** Retired ** **).** _ (He underlined this bit twice.) _

**Location:** Soho, London, England. 

**Date:** Celestial Era 6, Earth 14, Lunar cycle 5. _ (Angelic time wasn’t recorded the same way it was on Earth.)  _

**Account of Deeds since last report:** ****  
  


1 - Attempted to inform senior management of untoward machinations of underlings. Whistleblowing attempt was duly ignored. 

2 - Accidental discorporation. Discovered hitherto unknown delights of the world of expletives.

3 - Unauthorised possession, because you bastards insist on three weeks of paperwork to issue a new corporation and quite frankly, I find the lack of expedited channels unforgivable, that and your convoluted request form system. Screw you, and the cloud you rode in on.

4 - Teamed up with a demon to avert armageddon, because no other bastard could be bothered to do it. Looks like it’s all on me again, as usual. No bugger else does fuck all around here after all. 

5 - Fact checked the Archangel Fucking Gabriel. My erstwhile supervisor did not appreciate his employee’s studious attention to detail. 

6 - Averted armageddon, you’re welcome. 

7 - Was angel-napped, bound, gagged (I mean at least leave me free to use my safeword, chaps), dragged back to HQ by rather heavy handed Angelic Resources officers, and tied to a chair. Ok, I quite enjoyed the “tied to a chair” bit, but no further titillation was offered, which was, frankly, somewhat of a disappointment under the circumstances, not to mention rude.

8 - Was presented with a literal pillar of hellfire, and my former boss ordered me to “shut the fuck up and die already”, which I’m sure is not permitted in the employee handbook and probably constitutes a “hostile work environment” from what I can recall. 

9 - Thought “fuck it,” and stepped into the hellfire anyway, because why the fuck not at this point. Wanky McWankwings, aka former boss, appeared somewhat disconcerted that I am in fact, immune to hellfire. That’s what you get when you mess with an angel capable of halting the end of the world, motherfuckers. 

10 - Went home, had a cup of tea. Oh, and a jaffa cake. 

11 - Seduced demon. It was epic. Honestly, his dick is  _ insane _ . Wait, did I say dick? Sorry, DickS, plural. He has two. They are both awesome. And you miserable bastards will never get to know how good it feels, sucks to be you. 

12 - Drank more tea.

13 - Had more mind blowing sex.

14 - Dinner, more tea.

15 - Copious amounts of sex. 

16 - Fellatio. 

17 - More sex. 

18 - Break for lunch. 

19 - Sex marathon for aproximately four days. Give or take.

20 - Received memo demanding I continue to file Incident Reports. Assume it to be a joke, respond in kind. 

21 - Demon starts sucking me off under the table while I complete bloody Incident Report. 

22 - Fuck…. 


End file.
